October 13, 2019

Intrinsically wanting to write

I’ve been wanting to write more lately. Type words into something larger than the tweets that I’ve been liking a lot. There’s a different feel to it.

I realized today, through tweeting actually, that I have an intrinsic desire to write.

I saw a tweet, a mutual had retweeted that some writer had put out a new post. This writer was a name I’d seen here and there. Noticing myself noticing that I was at least that familiar with the writer, I was led to ask myself, why do I want to write posts? (Or anything really)

I’m not going to be a writer like Visakan Veerasamy, or a whole host of others that may jump to mind.1

So that question really got me diving into why else might be why I want to write. Part of it is that writing is a way that some people show their passion and knowledge. I enjoy reading the output of that passion, but it doesn’t resonate as a reason for me personally to write.

I like seeing the words on the screen, I like the feeling of writing, the experience of it. I like finding out that other people have found it useful. And I especially like finding out that other people have resonated with the writing.

I also feel like I’ve been both:

  • learning to express myself better, lately, and
  • realizing how stifled I feel and how much better I could get at communicating with people.

When I think about that, the desire to write responds. It’s like asking a dog, hey pup, wanna go for a walk? It jumps up excitedly and starts wagging its tail.

I want to write to produce something that makes me feel good, and if it resonates with something in a reader, even better.


  1. Rao, Perell, Eghbal, Zuegel, Burja, are names that come to mind.

personal
June 24, 2019

Yearning - Companions Among Stars Pt. 2

This is it. Beautiful, sleek, fast.” At Ash’s sideways look, Torkla huffs. Yes, spacious too, Mr. Tactician.”

Kiros pays them no more attention, sliding his eyes over the ship. A cruiser-class, and in fairly good condition if he remembers his Ship Mechanics module correctly. He’ll have to see up close, but there was little chance that an engineer like Torkla had been fooled by any surface appearance. If she said it was a good ship, it was good.

His eyes linger on the name painted in gold against the ship’s silver - Starskimmer. Torkla’s idea.

Kiros turns at a light touch on his elbow - Tsi’Lun is blinking rapidly at him in the way that indicates humor. Not very orange, but it’ll have to do.”

What- oh.” Kiros snickers and throws a knowing glance at Preena. She catches his eyes and snorts, leading the way to the ramp. Torkla virtually bounces beside her in excitement.

It seems to be of a common cruiser design: much longer than it is wide, a set of wings for flight in atmo, and rear thrusters. Kiros leans left as the group proceeds up the ramp, and catches a glimpse of engine underneath the wings, set about a quarter of the way out. Hm. Less power that way, but a little more control.

Inside, the craft really is spacious, thankfully. Kiros hesitates at the turn he knows leads to the bridge. Everyone seems to want to investigate the crew quarters, but… he really wants to fly. He wants to be in the air, his friends at his back.

Preena slides an amused look at him, and motions with her chin. Kiros grins back and breaks away, nearly opening up into a run in eagerness. His helmet, swinging at his side, bumps against his hip repeatedly - he’s too eager to care.

His friends’ chatter fades as he palms the door open, and steps into the bridge, door hissing shut behind him.

Kiros just stands, drinking in the sight. They’d worked so hard for this. Kiros flying ground-level deliveries, Maronus working labor, Ash, Torkla, Preena, Tsi’Lun - all of them pushing for this. Their belongings are already stowed in cargo, sent ahead to Torkla when she sent a message confirming her purchase of the ship. There’s very little holding them back now, and Kiros twitches his fingers at the urge to start his pre-flight checklist already.

Instead, he moves around the bridge, inspecting each seat and the controls arrayed around them. Everything looks, if not in mint condition, ready and reliable. He passes the captain’s chair, the communications console, and a chair surrounded by empty space he guesses is a weaponsmaster seat. That’s… surprising. A previously-military craft, then, converted for civilian use.

Briefly, he thinks of the specialized flight modules instructor at the Academy. A cheerful, slim middle-aged man who never failed to impress Kiros with how skilfully he handled every craft that Kiros had trained on.

Come back with a little experience under your belt, son, and maybe I’ll show you a little target practice.” Teacher Konlin had winked slyly, pointing with his thumb towards what Kiros had assumed was his personal craft. Personal fighter, if Kiros’ eyes hadn’t deceived him - how Konlin had gotten the license to fly that, let alone to the Academy, Kiros didn’t want to know.

Maybe… In his more sober moments, Kiros knows the galaxies aren’t as safe as the inner systems, and especially not the system where everyone grew up going to the Academy in. But right now, he’s more excited than fearful, so he gives in to the urge and sidles up to the pilot’s console.

It’s probably just his imagination, but he fits into the seat like it was molded for him. The control-wheel is within ready reach, the auxiliary thrusters placed perfectly for his feet, and all the displays perfectly arrayed in his field of vision.

Kiros, almost automatically, begins flipping the switches to prep the craft for flight. The displays flicker to life, and a hum reverberates through his seat. Just as he slides the viewport dimmers off, the entrance to the bridge opens. Everyone tumbles in, babbling quickly. He glances behind, where Preena is lowering herself into the captain’s area, almost reverently.

Torkla grins at him. Just couldn’t wait, Kiros?”

He smiles back, knowing eagerness is clear in his expression. Ash touches his shoulder as he passes by Kiros, and settles into the seat in front of the communications console. Anticipation is in the air- or it’s all in Kiros’ head, because he hears the sounds of the safety restraints snapping into place, and the displays filling the space around them.

Kiros finishes his pre-flight list as everyone settles in, and, unable to help himself, pushes the tiniest amount of power to the thrusters. The ship rocks gently, and instantly a sharp reproach cuts the air. Kiros.”

Sorry, Captain.” He ducks his head, feeling the burn of Preena’s stare behind him. There’s a line between excitement with friends, and endangering everyone, and he’s approaching the latter.

He waits in guilty patience as the audible hum of everyone settling in quiets, but there seems to be an inaudible electricity in the air. He can hear it the way Ash is tapping his foot against the floor, Maronus is shifting against the bulging restraints, and Torkla’s fingers tap rapidly against her controls.

A holographic map springs into being off to the side, within peripheral vision, and Kiros turns slightly to look at Tsi-Lun. They tilt their head at him, flapping their fins, and Kiros grins back.

He twists in his seat, reaching for the helmet he’d abandoned in his excitement. Moments after it seals in place, Ash’s quiet, sure voice sounds in his ear. Communications live.”

Ship status, Torkla.” Preena’s voice is even, a hint commanding, and almost foreign. This isn’t Preena their childhood friend, this is Captain Preena, top-ranking student at the Academy leadership track.

All readings clear. Weapons?” Kiros can hear the slight shake, not sure if it’s excitement or nervousness or both, in Torkla’s voice, but she follows the script as they’ve all been trained to do.

Clear. Navigation?” Maronus doesn’t give a hint of the chuckle that Kiros releases. They don’t have any, of course - though Kiros is distracted again by wondering about their possible future necessi-

Navigation acquired. Flight status?”

Kiros shakes out of his distraction and swiftly toggles a switch in front of him. Pre-flight complete. Broadcasting departure.”

He flips the broadcast switch next, and suddenly can barely keep his voice steady. Adrenaline is dumping into him and he’s shaking with the urge to burn the thrusters and disappear into the atmosphere.

Docks 16, 17, 19, and 20 - this is Dock 18 clearing flight path.” Another switch and their takeoff path is broadcast to the nearby docks. He blinks rapidly and inhales through his nose, a deep and swift breath. Captain?”

There’s a pause, and though Kiros knows Preena is glancing over her own consoles and double-checking the input from each member of their friends - their crew, he’s so giddy - he can’t help puffing his breath out in a short sigh of impatience. Kiros winces, hoping it was inaudible.

Mark in 5.” Preena starts the countdown, and Kiros follows under his breath, knowing everyone else is doing the same.

He pulls back the wheel gently, and the ship drifts leisurely into the air- 5.”

The map blinks in his vision, and spins, zooming into a map of the planet. Kiros’ heart jumps, and he swallows against the pounding in his chest- 4.”

Kiros rocks the ship back, tilting its nose into the blue, blue sky- 3.”

He can feel the thrusters, even though that shouldn’t be possible at this low burn- 2.”

This is it, what they’ve trained for the past five years, his friends, his crew are behind him- 1.”

His right hand flexes on the throttle; anywhere they want,’ he’d promised, and Tsi-Lun is showing him the way- Mark.”

The pilot in him takes over, and Starskimmer launches forward - just slightly too fast to be proper, despite his efforts at restraint.

They’re exiting atmo already, Kiros can hear muted gasps over the comms. This is by no means the first extra-atmo flight for any of them, but this time is different.

It’s been mere minutes, and Kiros feels like an week has passed in breathless anticipation. The map blinks again, nudging his course out into the blackness. As soon as the ship is aligned, Kiros locks the thrust to maximum, savoring the press of his body against the seat.

He can hear everyone’s slight intake of breath at the sensation, and the map blinks green once, twice… Tsi’Lun’s voice fills his helmet, and Kiros can feel his entire being narrow down. Ship aligned.”

Kiros lets his left hand rest lightly next to the innocuous, small metal lever. His foot drifts closer to the safety pedal.

Take flight, Kiros.” It’s not exactly the standard signal for hyperspace, but he knows this is Preena giving in to the wonder, the excitement, that he knows is bubbling within all of them.

He grins widely in his helmet and presses his foot against the pedal. Even as the restraints tighten against his body, even as his console lights up six green symbols indicating the others’ restraints are similarly engaged, Kiros pushes his thumb against the switch-

The stars become streaks in the viewport, and have barely disappeared when Kiros finally releases the cry of joy building in his throat. He releases the safety and leaps out of his seat. Entry cleared!”

His helmet clatters back onto the seat, and Kiros looks up to catch Tsi’Lun laughing at him. Torkla’s already latched onto Maronus’ side, trapping his arm, and is giggling unabashedly.

Ash tilts his head at Preena, receiving a soft smile in return. Kiros turns back to the fore viewport, feels home slipping away - it feels bittersweet, exciting, sobering, terrifying, and unshackling all at once.

He feels a reckless, fond blaze inside his ribs, and Kiros only has to glance back to his friends once more to identify it - it feels like victory.

June 22, 2019

Yearning - Companions Among Stars

Are we gonna have our own ship someday, Kiros?” Tsi’Lun blinks luminous, bulbous eyes at him.

The sudden urge to stroke the fins on top of Tsi’Lun’s head seizes Kiros, but his mom’s taught him that it’s impolite to touch without asking. Instead, he points to a ship lifting off of the hoverport, painted in a garish shade of orange. Just like that one!”

Preena laughs softly. Kiros eyes flick to her, and she gazes back steadily. He looks away; sometimes it feels like she’s way older than the rest of them. Mom said she was a human, but from somewhere not on Earth. Kiros wonders where that is.

We will,” Kiros insists.

She smiles at him, and her stare suddenly feels like it’s expecting something from him. I want to be captain.”

Kiros smiles back, uncertainty tilting his head. Okay.”

Tsi’Lun blinks back and forth between them, and Kiros can hear the soft flap of fins against his friend’s head. I wanna be navigator!”

They have a really good sense of direction, so that makes sense. Kiros turns to stare at the myriad ships coming and going. All of his holo-games are ones where the player is a pilot. He wonders what it’s like to fly a real ship. I’ll pilot. Wherever we want to go!”

At the Academy the next day, they’ll tell their friends, and each will claim a spot’ on their’ ship - it’ll be years yet until Kiros comes to marvel at the sheer luck, the serendipity of the group.

Argh! I hate this. I need to ace the Leadership module for this class-year. It’s just, that.. stupid Lylah! And her boyfriend.” Preena’s fist bounces off the floor of Tsi’Lun’s room. Kiros winces in sympathy. Preena takes this course more seriously than any other, and to have a long-running grudge against one of the other top students… In a class where teamwork and communication is really important, it can’t be easy.

Tsi’Lun glances up from their desk, webbed fingers pausing in their dance around the holographic map. Can’t Teacher Plee do anything about her?”

Kiros sighs. He doesn’t understand why Tsi’Lun is so intent on getting their teacher to intervene, and why Preena is so against the idea.

No, I have to figure it out. Either I have to work around her, or get her to work with me.” Preena glares at her holo-pad, and Kiros figures if she showed them, there’d be a snarky message from Lylah.

In the end, Lylah’s only sabotaging her group project with Preena and a couple other students, and Kiros can’t see why it’s worth it. He knows the boyfriend went out with Preena a couple times until she decided she’d rather spend all her time on the Leadership and History modules. But was that as big a deal as Kiros suspects it to be?

Why’s this so important to you, Preena?” Kiros regrets speaking so bluntly, especially when Preena’s hair whips around with the force of her glare.

Kiros! I thought you’d know.” Her dark eyes glow just a little blue, and once again Kiros finds himself wondering what exactly his mom meant when she said human, just not Earth-human.”

Her glare is forceful, but Kiros suddenly notices the way she’s hunched just a little bit, and reminds himself that anger is a natural mask for hurt. Guilt courses through him, and that, more than anything, makes his eyes lower. Then it hits him, oblivious jerk that he is, and he glances up without raising his head. Sorry Cap’n.”

Preena’s lips tighten, but she sighs, slumping over her pad. Did you mean it, Kiros?”

Mean what?”

An exasperated cough comes from Tsi’Lun and Kiros darts a glance sideways. Come on, K, you promised to take us anywhere, remember?”

That…” Kiros trails off. He glances back and forth between his friends, but Tsi’Lun only turns back to his Navigation module homework. Preena holds his gaze for moment. He watches the corners of her mouth tighten and she looks back down to her pad.

Pulling a shaky breath in through his nose, Kiros returns to his own pad; Basic Flight Maintenance homework - he thought it would be an interesting course, and he seemed to be somewhat good at it, but…

The holo-pad feels heavier in his hands, and for one split-second Kiros imagines a ship’s controls clenched in his fingers.

A wild daydream shoots through his head: Maronus, their giant of a friend, clad in armor. Preena, a Captain’s insignia on her collar. Tsi’Lun, Torkla, Ash… navigator, engineer, tactician.

Kid’s dreams? Or something more?

Sweat beads on Kiros’ back, wicked away by the flight suit. His teeth grind painfully together, jarred by the sudden impact.

Starboard shields at 34%. Avoid further damage.” He knows, dammit.

Kiros spares a moment to be grateful he gets to do this in a simulator first. A moment is all he can spare before another group of asteroids loom ahead, and he grips the main control-wheel. The interceptor-class ship flips ninety degrees and Kiros wants to close his eyes against the acceleration’s force, but he can’t - he’s so close to the end.

Stars, just a little bit further. His foot twitches, and the ship spins an entire circle, side thruster sending him spiralling around the rock threatening to fill his forward view.

Fuck!” The curse escapes his lips as another asteroid, hidden from his sight by the first, appears. It’s close, too close. He can’t slow, can’t dive or turn, but-

Both his feet jerk, and Kiros bangs his knee against the console. The ship continues spinning, spiralling, and by his estimation, it’ll be close, but it’ll be enough. He fights the blackness encroaching his vision, fights to draw breath, as the asteroid disappears from view, and a shudder rocks the ship.

Port shields at 70%.” The AIs voice reverberates through his head, and Kiros struggles to right the ship. It’s still spinning, he’s still dangerously close to passing out, but he can see the finish line, he’s got this. The ship’s pointed the right direction, and he can course-correct along the way.

Even as he applies reverse thrust to counter the spin, Kiros wrenches the right grip of the control-wheel, opening the throttle up to maximum as fast as he thinks won’t create enough force to trigger the black-out that’s threatening. Already the pressure is easing, and though he’s pressed into his seat by the acceleration, Kiros smiles tightly in his helmet.

The rotation slows, then stops, and his ship approaches the orb of light that signifies the finish. A glance at the chrono, and dare he be certain - but he is. He’s passed. The smile opens into a grin, and Kiros can’t help but celebrate.

A quick twist of the wheel, flex of his legs, and the ship flips on its nose, as if he were doing a front-flip in the zero-g simulators. In a disorienting whirl, it’s now pointed back the direction he came, but still moving - now backwards - towards the finish orb.

Kiros burns the main thruster, giddiness filling him. It breaks out of him with a whoop as the ship slows to a near-stop beyond the orb, drifting slowly now.

Even as the hatch of the simulator capsule hisses open, he’s already unlatching his helmet. Kiros clambers out, and the instructor smiles indulgently, even just a bit proudly. Congratulations, Kiros. Your hard work these past few class-years have paid off. You beat the record, even.”

Thank you Teacher.” The words come automatically. Kiros is focused on the metal pin being dropped into his hand. It’s decorative - few pilots wear their insignia because the digital records suffice, and it’s considered the mark of a new pilot - but it represents the first step to making dream into reality.

His hands shake and he nearly pierces himself with the pin, but Kiros attaches it to the collar of his flight suit. He gives one last, unbelieving grin to the instructor, and strides out. Through the hallways, out into the sunlight.

Tsi’Lun is the first one to catch sight of him, and their throat bulges in a way that Kiros recognizes as their species’ laugh. Preena spins around, eyes widening then narrowing into a proud smile as she catches sight of the pin Kiros knows is glinting in the light.

Maronus meets him halfway, sweeping him up into a rib-cracking hug. Kiros! You did it!”

I did it, big guy. We’re gonna go wherever you wanna go, any ship you want.” Kiros says to him, but loud enough for everyone to hear.

Rock arms lower him in front of the rest of their friends, and he half-jokingly salutes Preena. Flight orders, Captain?”

One of Tsi’Lun’s hands rests on his shoulder, and Kiros watches with a glowing core of pride and joy in his heart as Preena lifts her hand to touch the insignia on her own collar. She looks up and away, and it’s daylight, but everyone knows she’s thinking of the stars that lay beyond. Suddenly, the stars seem closer than they ever did, even as children pretending they were just planets’ distances away.

Let’s find ourselves a ship.”

April 13, 2019

Everything is abstracted from us and it’s valuable

My first post on blot.im! And I’ll use it as an example.

It looks like my own website, but the engine is David Merfield’s. Really neat.

It abstracts nearly everything away from the experience of writing a blog post. I just write stuff in Markdown in VS Code, save the file as <name>.md in a specific Dropbox folder, and it pops out all pretty-like as what you see here.

Picture of VS Code with Markdown-formatted text of this postPicture of VS Code with Markdown-formatted text of this post

There’s a huge amount of abstraction, though. Lots of stuff going on underneath the hood. Presumably APIs into Dropbox, a bunch of static site generation to turn the Markdown files into pretty HTML and CSS files (like Jekyll and Hugo do), and then there’s the cloud side too.

It’s all abstracted away from me, making it extremely low-friction for me to write and very valuable to me as a way to easily and quickly share my writing.

The same goes for a great myriad of things in our lives: the way our plumbing works, heating, electricity, cars, and everything.

It’s valuable because rather than having to worry about how we wired our houses, we can plug in our computers and write some code or a story. The abstraction adds leverage to our individual efforts.

I’m actually excited to write more, now that I’m not mucking about and getting frustrated with a more involved setup like Jekyll or Hugo (only a knock on my own personal web dev competence, not the amazing abstraction tools those devs have built!).

October 6, 2018

October experiment: giving as much as I buy of non-essentials

This month, I’m matching in donations whatever sum I spend in two categories of my budget: Frivolous/Entertainment’ and Going Out’.

Join me in this (drop me a line @HuanWin or using the contact form) and I’ll offset $20 USD of your spending! (That means if you spend, say, $46 and donate a matching $46 — send me proof of donation and I’ll send you $20 back, via Paypal, Venmo, whatever.)

20181006givingasmuchasIbuy20181006givingasmuchasIbuy

I’ve tried to make this as streamlined as possible, even before this experiment. Enter in a purchase and amount under a category, and the total is calculated at the top.

For this month, I’ve added an automatic sum under Philanthropy that adds up the Frivolous and Going Out totals.

This is the result of a vague thought I’ve been having recently about finding a way to quantify the costs I impose on the world through living.

Like I used to have Amazon Prime (free 2-day shipping in the US). So I order a package and luxuriate in knowing it’ll arrive on the third day after purchase. But how do they make that happen? Terrible working conditions and the complicity of the people who benefit from it.

(I’m wondering now if I shouldn’t be making this post more formal, include links and research and content to debate about. But debating about the social benefit megacorps bring and other political or economic ideologies isn’t the point of this.)

The smartphone I love to use dozens of time a day was affordable for me because it was made overseas by people living under authoritarian rule.

I’ve thought to myself that we can stop the cycle of: (mostly) prosperity, greed by rulers or ruling class, unrest, revolution, (mostly) prosperity…

Not by perpetrating another coup. Not by crushing the rebels with an iron fist and raising a steel-shuttered wall around our nations and our selves (that’s another conversation). But by each doing a little bit.

If everyone was even a 0.001% net positive on the world, we wouldn’t be waiting for a Bezos-like figure to donate $2B USD to charity. We wouldn’t be relying on 15 people to maintain three of the largest scientific open-source tools we use (

)

Enough of the soapbox rant.

If I want others to think about being a net positive, of any amount, on the world and people around them near and far, then I have to start. This experiment was born out of that idea.

If you’re intrigued by this idea — join me. Just for the month. I’ll give you back $20 and, if you so desire, even make a matching donation to your charity of choice.

For charities, I recommend checking out GiveWell. They research and review charities for effectiveness. (The malaria nets one I’m a little more wary of, after reading Dead Aid by Dambisa Moyo, but that’s also another post for another day).

Net-Positive Human
June 13, 2018

Book Review: The Three-Body Problem - Cixin Liu

The Three-Body Problem is a science-fiction book. Cixin Liu weaves a thrilling story, one with enough science and philosophy in it to engage readers looking for a more intellectual piece, and enough suspense to capture the reader seeking plot. It explores the idea of humanity making contact with aliens. A simple premise, but Liu gives a novel take on it: what are the implications for humanity?

I. What it’s about

The story is set against the backdrop of the Chinese Cultural Revolution, wherein the history of Earth diverges at one crucial point: some political actors in the Revolution declare the importance of competing with other advanced nations in sending messages out into the cosmos — and they receive a reply.

From there, the novel dives into possible implications and responses for humanity. The entire tale is told through various points-of-view from scientists involved, and the plot is as gripping as the insights are thought-provoking. Will humans unite? Will they self-destruct? These questions are explored against the backdrop of a scientific community increasingly impacted by politics and other, secret barriers.

  1. Why I picked it

It was recommended by a friend of a friend during a friendly and spirited debate. I read the sample, decided to pick up the book, and was hooked very shortly afterward.

  1. What I got out of it

The plot was engaging. It was fast-paced, intriguing, and twisted in quite enjoyable ways.

I also began thinking more about politics and science, as well as game theory (I am not anything resembling an expert in any of these). It gave me a glimpse into what it might be like to be in a profession nominally dedicated to seeking out truth in the world, but under the umbrella of an authoritarian regime ruled by violence. That may seem prescient or timely to some readers (the book was published in 2012, I read it in 2018).

The science in the book was believable enough to somebody with undergraduate-level physics and math, and fantastic enough to get me excitedly delving into the descriptions of the fictional technology.

For people like me who have an interest in, yet little knowledge, about human decision-making at the individual and societal levels, the discourse between characters was engaging. I thought the various characters had (mostly) fleshed-out motivations.

  1. Who else I’d recommend it to

Anybody with an interest in science fiction. It won a Hugo Award, and the equivalent of it in China — former President Barack Obama praised it.

V. Notes & Quotes

In the dead of the night, I could hear in my headphones the lifeless noise of the universe. The noise was faint but constant, more eternal than the stars. Sometimes I thought it sounded like the endless winter winds of the Greater Khingan Mountains. I felt so cold then, and the loneliness was indescribable. From time to time, I would gaze up at the stars after a night shift and think that they looked like a glowing desert, and I myself was a poor child abandoned in the desert.… I thought that life was truly an accident among accidents in the universe. The universe was an empty palace, and humankind the only ant in the entire palace. This kind of thinking infused the second half of my life with a conflicted mentality: Sometimes I thought life was precious, and everything was so important; but other times I thought humans were insignificant, and nothing was worthwhile. Anyway, my life passed day after day accompanied by this strange feeling, and before I knew it, I was old.…

This quote, among others in the book, evoked a feeling in me that the universe is as fantastical as anything we can come up with in fiction. Liu, in the author’s notes, mentions that he felt this as a child and tries to convey it to his readers. I think he succeeded.

Books fiction sci-fi